I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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