The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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