I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You can't special order awesome
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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