I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
