then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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