Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
