Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
