he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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