It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
