that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he fucked my hip out of place.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
