I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
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I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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