i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
