Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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