i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize