I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
