Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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