You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A bitchslap is in order.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
