apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
