Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
