There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
