I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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