Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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