I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
