I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
