I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Blood and glitter go together right?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
