I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
