Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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