420 ftw
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
