I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think my mom watched the whole time
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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