I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
