If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
