god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate all girls vehemently.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
