whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
