haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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