Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize