my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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