You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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