I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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