I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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