my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
