i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
