Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
