I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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