i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
