I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
