he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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