i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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