Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
