the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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