he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How does one acquire holy water?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
