she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
