I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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