I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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