i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
